Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
