Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
