haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
