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Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
