Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
