Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
