Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
In America we eat man semen.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
This toilet bowl is my home.
Randomize
