i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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