Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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