I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
