A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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