well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
