He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
