what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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