so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
