omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
