how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
