I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Randomize
