There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
