Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
