I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
