Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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