I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
