dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
