I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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