I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
