Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
