How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
