all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
