I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
