Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
