so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
