I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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