Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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