At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
