apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
