I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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