I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
