I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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