so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
