I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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