the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
