My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
