You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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