I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
