She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
So here I am, sexting at work.
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