once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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