Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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