my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
