I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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