Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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