Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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