just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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