I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
