I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
