hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
