At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Come on in and take your pants off
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